A Christmas Letter to My Childhood Doll Mandy on the 2020 Election

Dear Mandy doll I received one Yuletide season in the late 1970s, and whom I still yearn for in my fugue states and fever dreams:

Let any stragglers who still believe that the election was stolen, that the “storm is coming,” and that JFK Jr. walks among us disguised as a John Lennon impersonator, ready to ascend to the Oval Office at any given moment with Trump as his running mate, know this:

The election was not stolen.

Let them know Joe Biden won the election because he had more (many, many more!) Electoral College votes than Trump, who’s now lame-duck sundowning and stringing followers along with some cringeworthy “I got robbed” campaign.

Inform them that Biden won because more Americans voted for him than they did for Trump.

Mandy, tell the good people that 81 million Americans moved on the incumbent like a bitch.

Fill them in that Biden won in the same way that Trump won (to my incredible chagrin and yours, Mandy) in 2016. Well, not because of the more voters thing—but DJT did take the Electoral College, and in this country, that’s currently what it takes, also to our joint chagrin.

Mandy, because you’re an all-seeing Fisher Price muse who puts Chucky, Barbie, and that wanna-be Annabelle to shame, you know better than anyone that minor irregularities that may have existed in this election—and I say “may have,” because Tucker Carlson keeps claiming dead people voted and then has to apologize for being wrong about the dead people—were, even if true, a) not enough to make a substantial difference in this election (i.e., not widespread fraud), and b) the same basic types of irregularities that occur in *every election* and that are remedied when discovered. If anyone has credible and valid proof otherwise, I’m all ears, and I’m sure you are, too, Mandy. If that’s the case, please get in touch with Rudy Giuliani posthaste. But let it be real proof, not “evidence” spewing out from the brain salad of Seb Gorka or the Kraken lady or StrongPatriot52633. At last count, the Trump team had lost 59 of the 60 election cases it’s brought in front of the judiciary, including the Supreme Court. Claiming ACB, Brett Kavanaugh, and Gorsuch are now part of the Deep State hasn’t panned out so far. (You’re getting that straight from Mandy. I’m just the messenger.)

In the meantime, Mandy and I are now going to slide back into our copy editor’s lane—because, if you haven’t noticed, I’ve stopped addressing Mandy directly and have simply merged with Mandy to become one politically and editorially omniscient superbeing—to help out those still furiously drafting up the Constitution for a new, more perfect Union. All our differences aside, I want them to have good grammar, and I know Mandy agrees:

It’s MARTIAL law, not Marshall law.

It’s SECEDE, not succeed.

It’s SECESSION, not succession.

And finally, because this has been bugging me for years:

It’s JENN with two N’s, not one.

Mandy, on the other hand, is good with one N. That’s how she likes it. That’s how she wants it. All hail Mandy! God bless us, every one!